Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and love is in the air. But even if there isn't someone special in your life right now, as a marketer, that doesn't mean you still can't get into the lovin' spirit. If you're creating marketing people love , that is.
But just like there's more than one way to skin a cat, there's more than one way to make people hate your marketing guts.
So we thought we'd round up a pretty hefty list of ways (101, to be exact) that you can create the polar opposite of lovable marketing -- how to make people hate your marketing. So double check your marketing tactics against this list to ensure you're being as lovable as you possibly can to your prospects and customers. Because love is all you need ... and probably some leads.
Warning: Sarcasm and snark abound.
101 Sure-Fire Ways to Make People Hate Your Marketing
Social Media Marketing
1) Don't bother with maintaining a social media presence.
Just completely ignore the fact that, a
Pew Research Center
69% of adults use social media
. So when those 69% of people try to find you in social networks so they can reach out, make sure you're impossible to find -- because you're not there at all.
2) Or just spend your time on the wrong social networks.
Research smesearch. Just assume you know which social networks your audience populates, even if they're actually way more active in an industry specialized social network than, say, Facebook. After all, you know what happens when you assume, right? Or
you could do this instead
3) Don't reply to your fans and followers in social media.
Even if you
hanging out where your target audience does, you should probably just ignore the main tenet of social media --
Let all those longing questions and comments from your fans and followers go unanswered. Social media takes up
too much time, anyway.
4) Make it really hard for people to find and follow you in social media.
Choose social media usernames that are completely different from your company name so you're really difficult to find. Don't bother adding
social media follow buttons
to your website, either. It'll help them hone their detective skills!
5) Make it difficult for people to share your content.
Write really awesome content that people naturally want to share, but don't optimize that content for social sharing by adding sharing links to landing pages, blog articles, and ebooks to make it even remotely easy for them. People definitely need more practice using URL shorteners.
6) Send out a tweet every 30 seconds.
Hey, they followed you, right? That means they probably want to see you in their Twitter stream as much as possible, so you can bury all the content from the other users they're following.
7) Hijack popular hashtags that are completely irrelevant.
Oh look! #Snowpocalypse2013 is a trending topic right now! You should probably include it in your tweet about your sale on hammocks.
8) Automatically Direct Message (DM) every new follower you get with a link to your pricing page.
Don't worry -- no one will know it's an automatic DM. You're always on top of your
social media monitoring
at 2:17 a.m. Who isn't? And if they followed you, they must be ready to talk pricing, right?
9) Post something to your Facebook business page every five minutes.
Isn't that how you get maximum visibility through
Facebook's EdgeRank algorithm
? By totally invading your fans' News Feeds?
10) Use your social media presence strictly for lead generation.
Make sure every link you share sends fans and followers to a landing page so you can convert every single one of them. Don't give away anything to them that's
, like a helpful blog post or an answer to their burning question. That's just a waste of a tweet/post/update.
11) Make your business blog all about promoting your products/services.
Educational and helpful industry-related content
is overrated. Your business blog should be all about how awesome your business' products and services are. Brag about them incessantly, rather than providing any true value you to your readers.
12) Update your blog sporadically and infrequently.
whenever you feel like it
. Better yet -- publish great content every day for six weeks, and then randomly go on hiatus for three months, just when you started building up a solid base of dedicated readers. Not everything in life is certain. That's a great life lesson.
13) Write deceptive blog titles.
Because your blog titles are primarily what show up in channels like search engines and social media, putting the time into
writing exceptional blog titles
is critical for attracting clickthroughs. But it's not
necessary to worry about whether your content is even slightly reflective of your title -- you got them to your website already! [Insert evil, maniacal laughter here.]
14) Don't bother including a publish date/time on your blog posts.
Was that post written in 2007, or yesterday? Keep readers on their toes so they have absolutely no clue if your content is even relevant anymore, but you can pass it off like it is. Everything's
15) Ask people to subscribe to your blog via a pop-up window that appears immediately upon page load.
You know -- before they've had a chance to actually read your content and decide if it's worth subscribing to.
16) Make it difficult and unintuitive for blog visitors to figure out how to subscribe.
Even if they
to subscribe, make them work for it. Bury your RSS button and
field way below the fold of your blog in a completely illogical place.
17) Include tons of internal links in your blog content that provide no value -- and make it impossible to read.
18) Don't fully explain the concepts on your blog ... leave your readers guessing.
Make your content really vague. Sure, it may have all the
of helping to solve your audience's problems, but content that doesn't really explain how isn't really very valuable, now is it?
19) Tag your blog posts with no fewer than 26 tags each so you completely overwhelm your site visitors.
Don't stick to just 1-3 helpful tags that allow your readers to easily explore and identify content about the various topics on your blog. Instead, bombard them with tons and tons of tags that make your visitors feel overwhelmed and want to leave.
20) Delete any critical comments on your blog (this goes for social media, too).
After all, comments are just a platform for readers to talk about how awesome you are, not share their honest opinions and feedback. How dare someone leave a comment that's not all sunshine and rainbows. Talk about a
21) Don't bother cleaning up spammy/lewd/racist/inappropriate comments on your blog.
We just established how deleting people's commentary is the opposite of transparent -- even if it has nothing to do with your content, severely offends your other readers, or belongs in the porn industry. Right?
22) Don't allow people to comment at all.
If numbers 20-21 taught you anything at all, it's that comments are a pain. Completely cut off the opportunity for your blog readers to share what they think about your content. After all, Seth Godin gets away with it ...
23) Be ruthlessly annoying in your guest blogging pitches.
is a great way to get in front of a new audience and
expand your reach
, so you should probably send the same exact pitch to every relevant -- and
-- industry blogger you know. That's sure to get their attention.
24) Create marketing content that provides little to no value.
Just start creating content with no particular goal in mind -- or knowledge of what your target audience would find valuable. Throw all that research into the needs, interest, and problems of your
out the window. You got this.
25) Incorporate a ton of industry jargon and gobbledygook into your marketing content.
While you're at it, litter your content with a ton of jargon and
that no one outside your office would understand. Reader-friendly shouldn't really be a priority anyway.
26) Steal other people's content.
What's the point in creating anything original when someone else has probably already done it.
Everything on the internet is free ... right
? And anyone who says otherwise is just being selfish. No need to reinvent the wheel.
27) Back up your points with subpar data and statistics.
You know you should be
using data to back up your points
in your content, so just grab the first stat you can find, no matter whether the source is credible, the stat is recent, or the data is even relevant. Better yet, just make it up. All statistics are made up anyway, right?
28) Don't cite any of the data or stats you include in your content.
Even if you do decide to go the extra mile to find credible, relevant, and fresh statistics to support your content, don't worry about giving credit where credit is due -- or making it easy for readers to reference the original research. People love going on internet data treasure hunts!
29) Make your content one big, dense block of text.
Compelling imagery, headers, and formatting, while they may make your content easier on the eyes and much more inviting, takes way too much extra time. Your awesome content speaks for your itself. You're not publishing a picture book -- am I right?
30) Publish content with no written style consistency.
Correct and consistent writing style is for publishing companies. Don't worry about undermining your credibility, either.
Written style guides
are for grammar nuts.
31) Don't bother proofing your marketing copy.
Take it one step further by publishing content riddled with typos, spelling mistakes, and grammatical errors. Your colleagues are too busy to proof your work.
Website Content & Design
32) Construct a website that has no logical structure or intuitive navigation.
Make it extremely difficult for your website visitors to find what they're looking for or get back to where they came from. Don't pay any mind to your analytics that will highlight the most popular parts of your site. You know, so you can surface the most sought-after pages and
create a user-friendly website navigation
33) Litter your web pages with broken links.
You've heard about
how internal linking helps SEO
, but don't double check that your links actually work. Bonus points if your broken links are in your calls-to-action ... in your emails.
34) Make sure your website gives people a ton of error messages.
Neglect to regularly
audit your website
to make sure you're not still linking to web pages that have since been taken down -- so visitors hit an error message page at every turn.
35) Have a totally annoying and headache-inducing website design.
You know that a beautiful website isn't everything, so you decide to design it yourself. You sell clothing for teddy bears, so your entire website has a hot pink background with canary yellow, curly font. Oh, and there's a bouncing teddy bear GIF on every page, too.
36) Use only generic stock photography.
Because gobbledygook works so great in your written content, why not also adopt what bestselling author David Meerman Scott refers to as " visual gobbledygook "? When did being generic ever hurt anyone? Hey, at least you paid for that awful stock photography .
37) Make it difficult for people to figure out who you are, what you do, or what you sell.
Rather than plainly and simply stating on your homepage that you sell, say, "all the software you need to do inbound marketing," make your website visitors hunt around your web pages to try to piece together what the heck it is you do. And when they
finally find your 'About Us' page (thanks, "helpful" website navigation), be sure to fill your company/product descriptions with some more of that awesome gobbledygook.
38) Add tons of disorienting animations and images to your website.
As if your teddy bear GIF wasn't bad enough. Be sure to welcome your visitors to every page on your site with a lot of FLASH animation so it distracts visitors, wastes their time, and takes forever for your pages to load.
39) Automatically play (really loud) multimedia content upon page load.
Don't worry about giving your site visitors any warning so they have enough time to plug in their headphones or turn down their volume. Especially if they work in a very conservative, quiet office space.
40) Don't include any contact information on your website.
Just ensure them that you're either psychic and will contact them when you
they want to hear from you -- or that you'll be following up with them incessantly regardless.
41) Don't mobile-optimize your website.
Never mind that,
according to Microsoft Tag
mobile internet usage is projected to overtake desktop internet usage by 2014
. To make matters more difficult for your mobile visitors, make sure they have a ridiculous amount of scrolling to do, that your forms are extra long, and that the items in your website navigation are positioned so close together that their chunky fingers couldn't possibly click on the option they intended.
42) Don't provide any pricing information anywhere on your website.
Otherwise, you might
scare people off
! Couple this one with a lack of contact information, and you're golden!
43) Open your website up for third-party ads.
Your CMO is going to be so proud that you're bringing in another revenue stream into your business, and your audience won't mind all those flashy and irrelevant ads for engagement rings on the website for your project management software.
44) Attack site visitors with a whole lotta CTAs.
You should make sure there's a conversion opportunity that appeals to all your different visitors, and the only way you can do this is by adding 10 different CTAs to every web page. Never mind dynamic,
45) Totally lie about what's behind your CTAs.
Just like it's okay to be deceptive in your blog titles, be deceptive in your CTAs, too. Promise something completely different than what's on the landing page it points to. You'll increase your clickthrough rate!
46) Deceive your prospects about what they're signing up for on your landing page.
You're the king/queen of deception, aren't you? Why not promise them a comprehensive, in-depth ebook in your landing page copy, and then once you have their form completion, fork over a measly 2-page tip sheet.
47) Forget to actually give them what you promised.
Okay, so maybe deception isn't your game. But how about the ol' bait and switch? Or maybe you just completely forgot to add the "download" link to your thank-you page.
48) Ask for a lot of very personal information on your forms.
First name, last name, maiden name, paternal grandmother's maiden name, first born child's name, ideal first date, Social Security Number ... catch my drift?
49) Require visitors to complete 20-question forms ... every time.
50) Make it really hard for people to trust you.
51) Don't back up your credibility with any social proof.
Case studies, testimonials, reviews, social shares, and other types of
that show other potential customers you're worth their money? Isn't that just bragging?
52) Put EVERYTHING behind a form.
Just like a link to anything other than a landing page is a waste of a social media post, giving away content form-free is a waste of content, right? Even when it makes perfect sense .
53) Don't bother cleaning up or updating CTAs for your limited-time offers after they expire.
Instead, just frustrate your site visitors when they click on a CTA and are presented with
54) Send irrelevant content to your contacts.
Don't pay any attention to the types of content they've downloaded from you in the past, what their current lifecycle stage is, or if they've already read the content you're sending them. That's all too sophisticated.
55) Email your contacts every single day.
the best email frequency
, right? Otherwise they'd worry you'd forgotten about them. This one is particularly effective if they've only opted in to hear from you once monthly.
56) Reach out to your contacts totally out of the blue.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, wait several months -- even years -- after someone opts in to your email list before you send them anything. Wait just enough time so that
completely forgotten about
and are wondering why they're suddenly hearing from you.
57) Don't segment your list.
Just batch and blast all of your contacts with the same email so that everyone gets this generic, vaguely relevant piece of content that barely provides any value (or none) at all.
Segmentation doesn't really matter
58) When someone subscribes to one specific email list, automatically subscribe them to all your other email lists.
You've finally tricked them into giving you their email address! Sign them up for every single one of your email lists -- your monthly newsletter, your daily blog notification emails, your weekly monthly marketing digest -- even if they've only signed up for your weekly newsletter.
59) Make your email opt-out process extremely infuriating.
Make your contacts grab a magnifying glass in order to find your unsubscribe link, and then ask them to jump through several hoops and a really long, drawn-out process in order to unsubscribe -- rather than unsubscribing with a couple of clicks. You know, so they've had time to reconsider the unsubscribe, or maybe just give up during the process and keep getting your emails ... so they can later mark them as spam.
60) Don't honor unsubscribes ...
... Or anything else required by the CAN-SPAM Act , for that matter. You're above the long arm of the law, so wait longer than the maximum 10 days before opting someone out of your list who asked to unsubscribe -- or just ignore their request altogether. Add more to your criminal record by neglecting to include your physical postal address and using misleading, deceptive, or falsified information in your “From,” “To,” “Reply-To,” subject line, and routing information in your email messages.
61) Email people who didn't opt-in.
Your neighbor? Your mailman? The bank teller? Wouldn't they love to start randomly receiving your email messages about your awesome IT software?
62) Buy or rent lists so you can email people who have no idea who you are.