51 Ridiculous Keywords Google Won't Let Me Track Anymore

by Sam Mallikarjunan

Date

October 10, 2013 at 2:00 PM

zoe-dog-1This post originally appeared on Inbound Ecommerce, the ecommerce section of HubSpot's Inbound Marketing blog.

It's been a busy month for Google, the 50 billion pound gorilla of the search world. Even my dog, Zoe, got in on the analysis. She wrote an article for her blog (that's right, she has a blog ... and a Twitter account ...) summarizing her opinions on the changes from Google.

If you're not sure what changes I'm talking about, earlier this month, Google decided to encrypt all keyword data -- except for keyword data from ads, of course.

We've been trying to provide you with content on how to deal with the changes if keyword traffic analysis was part of your strategy. Personally, I've historically looked at keywords for which I get very little traffic to give me ideas for long-tail keyword phrases. Sometimes I'll find keyword phrases that are basically blog articles writing themselves! For example, one of our recent articles was inspired in part by discovering someone had hit our website searching for "how do I sell to people in the awareness phase of the buying cycle".

However, my dog had a slightly different use for this data -- one of her favorite activities was writing about the weird keywords she does get traffic from. Sadly, that will have to end, but for your entertainment I decided to do some diving to see what kinds of amusing keywords we here at HubSpot get traffic for ... that are totally random and irrelevant. (Note: These are straight from our historical keyword data, so the misspellings are intentional.)

Google Keywords We Won't Miss Being Able to Track

1) "i want you tagline"

I'm really hoping this is some Valentine's campaign we wrote about, and not someone looking for a pickup line.

2) "horseless headsman pumpkin carving pattern"

A horseless headsman could just, like, buy a horse? Right?

3) "people who don't care about others facebook quotes"

Not sure if that's really mean or highly relatable. Either way, hope we helped!

4) "black humpback whale jewelry"

My personal hope is that they were looking for jewelry to give as a gift to their friend, who's a black humpback whale.

5) "catchy headlines about love"

We at HubSpot are known for being hopeless romantics. Not even joking.

6) "why somebody interest working at target"

I'm sure Target is a great company to work for! I guess. I don't really know I'm just being positive.

7) "like facebook but better"

If you find an answer to this, lemme know. I'll be an investor.

8) "what to say on store intercom if child is lost"

Aren't there codes and procedures for this? I'm concerned we showed up as an informational source. I feel that if this is your responsibility that you should already know this.

9) "keywords in the ocean"

There's a joke in here somewhere. Keyword fish? Lots of people think my Inbound Commerce methodology looks like a fish ... ok I'm really reaching here.

10) "boring writing"

Now Google is just being hurtful. I think our writing is quite good. Most of it anyways. We're kinda jumping the shark with this post.

11) "automated jokes"

So a robot walks into a bar and orders a beer and asks the bartender how much. Bartender is in a great mood and says "For you buddy, no charge." The robot shuts down.

Get it? Automated robot? He had no charge? Ok moving on ...

12) "is it hard running a business"

Yes. At least that's what Brian Halligan tells us.

13) "adverts that bring down other brands"

That's just mean. And probably ineffective. Don't chase your competitors. Lead them.

14) "what percent of people pay companies on time"

I always pay on time, except when the rent is too damn high.

15) "cheat to get 10000tweets"

Cheaters never prosper, friend.

16) "free email spam sender"

Spammers never prosper, either. Let's face it, they're just really uncreative cheaters.

17) "can you retweet something about yourself"

You're so vain, you probably think this tweet is about you. Also, yes you can. I do it all the time.

In other news, I'm vain.

18) "sick of being customer serice rep"

Come work here. Customer Support Rep happiness is literally a metric we track. Who wants to talk to someone who's sick of their job at the moment when they need support?

19) "do you remember better with bullet points or number"

... I honestly don't know. Is someone studying this? Seems like someone should.

20) "can people have a relationship through social media"

But I would tweet 500 times, and I would tweet 500 more, just to be the man who tweeted 1,000 times to TwitPic at your door ...

21) "scary costumes list"

HubSpotters are also known for their creative Halloween costumes. This year I'm going as an MQL.

22) "elvis presley & the jamaican wailers"

Thank ya, thank ya very much mon! (try reading that in both accents in your mind, it gets funny over time).

23) "how to make your business facebook"

Go back in time and take over Mark Zuckerberg's life. Just be careful. Terrible things happen to wizards who meddle with time, Harry. #ImANerd

24) "living in parents basement"

... I ... I have nothing for this one. Do what you gotta do.

(Editor's Note: This might have been due to this blog post.)

25) "don corleone as a role model"

I guess everyone has redeeming qualities. Like, landing pages should make the prospect an offer they can't refuse. (See what I did right there?)

26) "format of best article ever in the world"

*blushing* Awwww ... thanks Google for showing us for that. That makes up for that hurtful "boring writing" result from earlier.

27) "it may not work out the way you had planne"

Ain't it the truth.

28) "red color button"

Fair enough. We haz red buttonz.

29) "red better than green"

Boy, that escalated quickly. You should test that yourself, variate testing results will be different site to site.

30) "hubspot rentals"

Like, you want to sublet one of our apartments? We're usually cool to have guests. Just bring cupcakes.

31) "awesome companies"

*blushing again* Thanks, guys :)

32) "presentation 90 hours"

I've been in some presentations that felt like they lasted 90 hours.

33) "trick to calculate if 1700 per month payment what is the payment of one day"

Divide by number of the days in that month (figured I'd be helpful once today).

34) "fashion focus group questions"

Some of us actually have excellent fashion sense. But I am not one of them.

35) "how to call back telemarketers"

Please video tape yourself doing this. For me.

36) "some junk words"

I'm hoping this was someone teaching their parents how to use The Google.

37) "dependability as a strong branding in bars"

I get it. My bartender's dependability is a big reason I come back. He never fails to put me back on my bar stool when I fall off.

38) "stuff kids can make for a trade fair"

I used to make crafts out of palm fronds. I'd love to pretend that "used to" means when I was a kid and not last week ...

39) "worst thing a customer has ever yelled at you for"

I once yelled at the JetBlue Twitter account for scheduling bad weather while I was flying. They apologized and said they'd do better next time. I <3 them.

40) "what can a 40-65 year old do in america"

Anything they want!

41) "goodbye just means hello will be coming soon"

Don't know what they're searching for -- looks like they have all the answers already!

42) "mack my google plus page"

Add flame decals. Flame decals make everything better.

43) "where in my home can i find some of elements"

You know, questions about elements are the only reason people bring me to trivia nights. I can do the Periodic Table from memory alphabetically, by weight, or by atomic number. They obviously don't bring me to raise the cool factor.

44) "rotten pumpkin"

Load it into a trebuchet and watch it explode. Problem solved.

45) "how to hack a private instagram account"

BAD! BAD GOOGLER!

46) "ignore the haters"

Amen.

47) "jordans shoes boston red sox colors"

#GoSox

48) "pick up lines to make a girl like you"

I'd recommend just having great content to attract people. Content is what's inside. #DeepThoughts

49) "guerrilla football idea"

I really want this to be a real game! Just pop out of the bushes and throw a hail mary.

50) "secret love prediction"

Just tell them how you feel, my friend. Life's too short for secret loves.

51) "how to approach a drug dealer"

... with a badge. Because you should only do this if you're a police officer.

I hope you enjoyed this! As marketers, any loss of data makes us sad. We want to create relevant content that helps people answer their questions. If there are any posts you'd like to see us write, you know where to find us -- leave a comment, tweet at us, find us on Facebook, whatever makes you happy.

What about you? What weird keywords have you seen in your data? How will losing the keywords data affect you?

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