Thanks for tuning in! I'm here to bring you more cutting-edge, need-to-know information about where to put your pets, and other news from the past 24 hours. Most of it's not as life-changing as feline fros, but it's the stuff that'll make you sound smart during those awkward bouts of silence you struggle to fill as you pass people in the halls.
1) Facebook is making hashtags functional.
Tired of your balsamic glazed medium-rare steak over arugula salad with fresh goat cheese and pine nuts going unappreciated? Now you can start hashtagging your humblebrags so they're searchable in the News Feed, just like you do on Twitter! #gourmetchef #goorganic
2) NSA. C'mon already with the slides.
Can we take a break from all this NSA privacy talk and focus on what really matters -- their slide design? Emiland De Cubber rightly identified that they are, in fact, a total wreck. In a genius newsjack, he redesigned their snooping-justification-slides and put it on SlideShare, with a call-to-action to call him next time they need to make a presentation.
NSA? Did you learn your lesson?
3) She's He's All That
In a crushing blow to the ghostwriting industry, M Night Shyamalan reveals he was actually the genius behind the hit 90s rom-com and Shakespearean parody, She's All That. This is a lesson for all ghostwriters -- don't let your talents remain hidden behind someone else's name. Let your accomplishments shine, loud and proud.
4) Soon you'll be able to keep your weird Netflix viewing habits a secret.
Later this summer, Netflix subscribers will be able to create multiple profiles within a single account, Ubergizmo reports. Benefits? No one needs to know about your "Canadian Dramas With a Strong Female Lead" queue, and you won't suddenly see a "Fuzzy Fictional Creatures That Can Easily Be Cloned" queue after your girlfriend watches Gremlins. I see a lot of relationships being pulled back from the brink with this feature.
5) "Steve Jobs Biopic 'jOBS' starring Ashton Kutcher will finally hit U.S. theaters on August 16."
Reports The Next Web. Though I take issue with the inclusion of "finally" in the title. I know I'm a bit (a lot) of a pop culture luddite but ... finally? I didn't know even this was happening. Also, I have some follow-up questions for casting. But hey, hope it's good. I'll wait for the reviews, ignore them, and probably never see the movie anyway. (Kudos on the camel case, though.)
6) Young people still suck.
Except for the ones who don't. Since the beginning of time, every generation has complained that the one before it is lazy, stupid, entitled, etc. etc. et al. TIME sparked it again with its May magazine cover, calling Millennials the "Me Me Me Generation." Lots of people agreed with them. Jamie Dimon then called it "hogwash" at Fortune's Global Forum. Then a bunch of people probably disagreed with him. And agreed with him. And oh, whatever, lots of people are lazy and stupid in every generation, and lots of people aren't. If you're dealing with the lazy and stupid Millennials, here's a handy video guide to dealing with them:
And if you want to make sure you don't raise one, maybe consider raising your kids like this dad.