You might not know it by looking at me, but I am a bloodthirsty and ruthless killer.
That's right, dear reader. That grinning exterior belies the horror of a murderer, born between the years of 1980 and 2000 and hell-bent on destruction.
That's right: I'm a millennial.
Millennials -- the enigmatic demographic marketers are desperately trying to decode and squeeze more money out of -- are wreaking havoc on the industry ecosystem. With our smartphones, our laziness, and our avocado toast, we cruelly dash the hopes of anything surviving our wrath.
Have you ever enjoyed a glass of sparkling rosé on a rooftop patio, then saved the rest of the bottle for later by closing it with a wine cork? Tough cookies -- we're coming for wine corks faster than you can say, "Snapchat."
In light of these dark and difficult conditions, I want to personally apologize for my generation -- and lighten the collective internet's mood with these 12 hilarious tweets about the various industries, foods, activities, and ideas my people have killed over the last couple of years.
12 Things Millennials Have Killed
Millennials are waiting longer to get married than their parents, and they've been accused of killing the sacred act. But some of us argue that we're not anti-marriage -- we're just waiting until we have our lives a little more together before settling down.
"Millennials are waiting until their 30's to get married" ya our 20's are reserved for crippling debt and unpaid internships
Millennials aren't hitting the links as often as other demographic groups. Maybe they just don't like the great outdoors -- or maybe the cost to play is too high for our tight budgets. Nobody tell Tiger Woods.
I haven't sampled the menu at Applebee's enough to say what it's most famous for. But evidently, it's not enough to impress the most discerning of millennials -- because they're steering clear of Applebee's and other fast-casual dining spots.
Article: “Millennials are killing Applebee’s”
Applebee’s: “Dollar margaritas.”
Me, a broke millennial: “LET’S GO GET DRUNK AT APPLEBEES”
When an Australian real estate tycoon suggested millennials could invest in real estate if they were stricter with their discretionary spending -- citing avocado toast as the main culprit -- we revolted on Twitter.