I’m passionate about this topic because the ability to strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere, is one of the most useful skills you can develop. As human beings, we thrive in community. We are happiest when we feel like we belong to a tribe.
During one of my quests for meaning, I approached over a thousand strangers and asked them deep questions about life. “What’s the happiest day of your life? What’s the saddest?” I even drove for Uber to create content, live-streaming conversations with hundreds of passengers. We laughed, we cried, we shared moments of vulnerability together — all because I was willing to start a conversation.
That desire to connect built community in the most unexpected places. And it still amazes me, because this is coming from a guy who was once voted “Most Reserved” in my fifth-grade yearbook at Clara Barton Elementary School in Cherry Hill, NJ.
In this article, I’ll share how I learned to become a better conversationalist. Even if you consider yourself an introvert, I believe it’s less about personality and more about practice. Small talk is a muscle you can train, and one that leads to friendships, adventures, and memories you’ll carry for life.
Table of Contents
- What is small talk?
- How to Make Small Talk
- Small Talk Topics
- Conversation Starters
- Small Talk Questions
- How To End a Conversation
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What is small talk?
Small talk is the simple act of starting a conversation with someone new to create an instant connection. It usually begins with natural curiosity, noticing something about the other person, and asking them about it.
For example, if I see a meaningful necklace, I might say, “I really like your necklace. Does it have sentimental value for you?” Small talk is less about the words and more about the willingness to approach, listen, and connect.
One of my closest friendships began when I walked up to my neighbor while he was lifting weights in his garage. That small moment of curiosity turned into shared workouts, deeper conversations, and eventually him inviting me into his church community, where I’ve met some of my closest friends. It all started with me putting myself out there.
How to Make Small Talk
Here are my top tips for how to actually make small talk that goes somewhere and leads to productive, natural interactions.
1. Ask open-ended questions.
Open-ended questions generate an interesting, dynamic conversation and encourage the person you’re speaking with to open up.
When I was younger, I didn’t understand the importance of questions. Unfortunately, this was why I did not land a job offer during the early stages of my career. But once I started realizing that the more questions I asked the interviewers, the more context and conversation I enabled, things started to change — and I became more confident in the process.
2. Practice active listening.
Admittedly, this is a skill I’m still working on (which my wife can confirm!). I’ve found that, especially in sales, when you want to gather information, the key is not to take too many notes. Luckily, with the invention of these AI notetakers, you can be more present in the moment and not worry that you are missing vital information.
The reason why we call this “active” listening is because it really does require brain power. The more present you are with people during your conversations, sure you’ll be more mentally tired, but the reward is in truly connecting with someone and having them feel seen. I still recall the mentors and incredible humans in my life because of how they made me feel when I was sharing something vulnerable about myself.
To better practice active listening, I try to turn off all the distractions, turn my phone on silent, and truly just be with the other person. There is something special about maintaining eye contact, too. When done right, they really like you, and you instantly become friends with a stranger.
Pro tip: Here is a trick I learned that will help you remember people while networking: associate them with something unique or interesting about them. Maybe they wore a bow tie, or they had a really nice Dior bag. In the latter case, I would make a mental note in my head and say to myself, “Okay, this bag is something my wife would love.” That will help me remember that contact as the person who has really nice bags. The next time I meet her at a different event, I’ll come up to her and say, “You have really good taste.”
3. Put away your phone.
When I put my phone away, it’s like I’m telling the other person, “You matter. I’m here with you.” Small talk dies the moment I split my attention. But when I’m fully present, I notice the little details — the logo on their shirt, the book in their hand, the way they light up when they mention something. Those details become powerful questions and conversation starters.
Presence creates space for questions that don’t feel forced. And the more curious I get, the more the other person feels seen. That’s when small talk stops being small, it becomes the start of a real connection.
4. Show your enthusiasm.
People can feel energy. When I’m excited to talk to someone, it changes the whole vibe of the conversation. I smile, lean in a little, and let my natural curiosity show. If something they say resonates with me, I’ll say it out loud: “That’s awesome!” or “Wow, I never thought about it like that.”
I’ve learned that enthusiasm is contagious.
When I bring positive energy, the other person opens up more. Even if I’m nervous, I focus on what I genuinely find interesting about them. That shift makes the conversation flow, and it feels less like small talk and more like two people connecting over something real.
5. Anchor the conversation to a shared interest.
Notice what people are passionate about. People love talking about their hobbies and where they invest their time and energy. A simple inquiry into a shared interest can open the door to a real connection. I usually give a genuine compliment, and then share a personal story that buildsa connection.
Here’s another tip: I actually landed my past job at LinkedIn because I would use the platform to reach out to anyone I shared an interest with. In my message, I would ask if I could pick their brain, because I aspired to do one day what they are currently doing. It worked. Hiking, faith, Oprah’s Super Soul Sundays — the world is your oyster. Pick your interest and go.
6. Match their energy and comfort level.
If someone lights up at your question, go deeper. If they hesitate, dial it back and keep it light. Being attuned is what turns curiosity into connection.
I know I’m not everybody’s cup of tea, and accepting that fact made a huge difference in putting myself out there more often, even when it feels like I’m getting rejected.
Small Talk Topics
Having good small talk topics up your sleeve won’t just help you kick off great conversations, it’ll also relieve some of the anxiety of walking into an unknown environment. Here are some specifics that you can use with my tips from the previous section.
Skills and Interests
What’s a skill you’re working on improving right now?
I usually start by saying that this month, I’m focused on eliminating and using fewer filler words, which is proving to be harder than it sounds. This shows that I’m being real and allows them to share something personal that they are working on as well.
Networking
Who are you looking to meet?
This is an easy one because people typically attend networking events for a reason, and everyone is looking for something. The key to standing out is having a response that they aren’t expecting.
Everyone else is typically trying to pitch a product or sell something. I usually set the stage by lifting someone else up. If I just met someone new, I’ll introduce them to someone else at the party or event by saying, “Have you met Jennifer? She’s really passionate about traveling and has great recommendations for you if you ever need to go to Zurich.”
This way, you’ll be able to make new friends, and it gives the other person room to elaborate more on your introduction. I’ve used this trick so many times, and people like it because most people are afraid to initiate the first conversation.
Travel
What is an unexpected travel destination that I must add to my bucket list?
Everyone loves traveling, and people love to share recommendations. It’s a really nice ice breaker.
Conversation Starters
For prospects:
- “What’s the most exciting thing about your business?”
- “What’s the most exciting thing about your product?”
- “What’s the most exciting thing about your team?”
- “What’s the most exciting thing about your industry?”
- “What’s the most significant change at your company in the past six months?”
- “If you could go back one year in time, what would you do differently?”
- “I’m curious to know your story.”
- “Tell me about your highlights at [company name].”
- “Tell me about your lowlights at [company name].”
- “What’s your biggest priority right now?”
- “What’s your lowest priority?”
- “What is your boss fixated on right now?”
- “What’s your number one most important metric?”
- “What can I do to help you achieve [X goal]?”
For customers:
- “How are things going?”
- “What’s your progress on [X goal]?”
- “How has business changed since we talked last?”
- “What are you worried about?”
- “What are you happy about?”
- “Which industry events are you planning on attending?”
- “How are your efforts in [related business area]?”
- “How’s life in [city]?”
- “What can I do to make you even more successful?”
For professional acquaintances:
- “What’s your industry like right now?”
- “Do you need any introductions?”
- “As an expert in [field], I’d love to hear your thoughts on [event, announcement, major change].”
- “Tell me about your latest work win.”
- “We’ve discussed your role before, but it’s probably evolved since then.”
- “Which blogs are you reading to stay informed on [topic]?”
- “You’re still one of the only people I know who [did X, achieved Y].”
The talking points above are great umbrella topics for small talk, but you might be looking for specific questions.
Here are a few that have proven to work extremely well.
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Small Talk Questions
- “How did you end up at [name of event]? If you could snap your fingers to instantly summon your [coworker, boss, best friend], would you? Why or why not?”
- “What’s been the highlight of your [day, week, month] so far?”
- “Are you a long way from home?”
- “Would you recommend that [food or drink they’re holding]?”
- “What’s the most memorable part of this [name of event] so far?”
- “If this was Groundhog Day and you had to repeat this day over and over, would you be relatively happy or unhappy about this particular day?”
- “What’s the last movie you saw in theatres? What did you think?”
- “What was the last concert you went to? How was it?”
- “How did you choose to work in [field]? If you could go back in time, would you make that same choice again?”
- “Would you advise your children to go into [field]?”
- “If you could turn one of your current skills into a bona fide superpower, which would it be and why?”
- “Which TV show would you choose to live in?”
- “Which TV show most closely mirrors your life?”
- “You remind me strongly of a celebrity, but I can’t remember who it is — whom do people always compare you to?”
- “When was the last time you did something for the first time? Were you glad you tried it?”
- “If you were responsible for catering [event], what would you order?”
- “If you were hosting this event, [who would you invite to speak, which theme would you have chosen, what would you have done differently]?”
- “What’s something that you want people to know about you but no one has ever asked you before?”
How To End a Conversation
This is a tricky one, especially in the beginning, if you have people-pleasing tendencies like I do.
It helps to have a pre-planned exit. If the conversation is stalling — or it’s simply finished and you need a non-awkward way to walk away — use these lines to gracefully wrap things up.
- “This has been great — thanks for telling me about X. Do you have a card?”
- “Can’t wait to hear how [initiative, project, personal decision] goes! Let’s catch up at the next [work party, conference, meeting, get-together].”
- “I’m going to go grab [some food, a drink]. Great to [meet you, catch up].”
- “I see my [friend, coworker, client] over there and should probably go say hi. Want to exchange contact info?”
- “The next session is starting soon, so I’m going to go find my room. It was nice meeting you!”
- “Excuse me, I’m going to use the restroom. Enjoy the rest of the [event, party, conference].”
- “Well, glad we got the chance to connect over [topic]. I don’t want to dominate your [morning, afternoon, night] — I’m going to [check out the snacks, say hello to someone, take a walk around the venue, etc.]”
- “Is there anything I can [help you with, do for you]?”
Pro tip: This is the way I usually wrap up a conversation: “I would love to get coffee with you to see how I can make five meaningful introductions for you. I’m always looking for ways to add value to my network, and I think you’re super interesting.”
How to Get Better at Small Talk
It doesn’t matter how bad you are at small talk: With practice and the right strategies, you can improve. Small talk is a skill just like any other.
I start by thinking about the intention. Why am I here? Is there a genuine connection, or am I here to pitch people what I’m selling?
People can tell if you genuinely care about them. When I’m in my flow state, I get to a place where I can connect with a random stranger. It starts with being curious and trying to learn something new.
Look for opportunities to make small talk.
The more frequently you do it, the more comfortable you’ll become. You’ll also quickly learn which topics generate the best conversations, how to gauge a person’s mood and personality by their body language and tone of voice, when to pivot to new topics, and the signs a conversation has wrapped up.
For example, joining Toastmasters was really helpful for me because there is a table topics section where we will use random word generators to give speeches about random topics. This helps you think on your feet and increase your creativity. I laughed and surprised myself with a lot of these.
When I got better at thinking on my feet, it ultimately led to being present with my prospects — this meant that they shared more information with me, and asked me questions that I did not expect. I used to be frazzled on calls when this would happen, but now I can be honest with prospects and just lead with genuine curiosity.
Pro tip: To reduce your nervousness, practice your small talk in a low-stakes environment. Go to a casual networking event for a different industry, attend a meetup, or ask your friends to bring you along to their work events.
Pretend you’re speaking to a friend.
Would you be on edge if you were making small talk with someone you knew really well? Probably not. If you need a quick trick to mitigate your anxiety, pretend the other person is a good friend. As an added benefit, this mental shift will make you seem warmer and friendlier.
In the beginning, many people (including myself) get scared and either talk very formally or differently from how we usually talk with friends. You'll get more comfortable with practice.
Give yourself a break.
Don’t dwell on awkward moments or long silences. We’re all far more focused on and critical of ourselves than anyone else in the room. You might cringe for days after you mess up someone’s name or crack a joke that falls flat, but chances are, every other person will forget within two minutes.
Gamify it.
One good method is to make it a game. Nowadays, I’ll challenge myself and say I’ll connect with someone whom I have “assumptions” about and get to know them fully. Maybe I’ll challenge myself to see how many new people I can have a deep conversation with. Or, I’ll award myself imaginary points based on how many new people I can talk to, or connect with another person in the room.
For example, at Untap Your Sales Potential, there were some members who I hadn’t gotten to know yet. But, upon hearing their story, I think, “Wow, I can’t believe I just discovered you now!”
People are incredible human beings and each story can inspire you if you are present with it.
Be vulnerable first.
It’s scary, but sharing something really personal to me increases the value of the conversation without fail — and it shows I’m there to have a conversation that goes beyond surface-level.
Practice and improve.
Tone of voice is everything, but it's a skill that can be practiced like everything else. I hate recording myself, but even with small talk conversations, I record and rewatch them later on to pick up nuances I can improve upon.
Similarly, a lot of my podcast recordings are cringey the first time I listen to them, but I realize that I’m getting better and I can course correct much more quickly when I relisten to recordings on a weekly basis. But don’t overdo it, or else it might be paralysis analysis.
Take time to recharge.
I remind myself that it’s okay to step back. Small talk and meeting new people can be energizing, but it can also be tiring if I try to do it all the time.
For me, sometimes that looks like spending an entire Saturday with a book. Those quiet moments are how I reset my energy and come back ready to connect again. (We call them “rest-generating activities” at Untap Your Sales Potential.)
I’ve learned that giving myself space to rest makes me better when I do step back into conversations.
There’s nothing small about small talk.
I’ve come to realize that everything meaningful in my life started with a simple conversation. Sometimes it felt uncomfortable at first, but leaning into that discomfort opened doors I never imagined. God or the universe, depending on what you believe, really does work in mysterious ways.
When I became a regular at church, I never expected that my home would one day become a gathering place for so many friends and community members. That all began because I was willing to say hello, to be curious, and to listen. I feel incredibly blessed that God gave me the curiosity to explore human potential and the courage to approach strangers who later became some of my closest people.
For me, small talk isn’t small at all: it's the first step toward friendships, growth, and the kind of rich relationships I used to dream about.
Editor's note: This post was originally published in July 2019 and has been updated for comprehensiveness.
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