In my years working in fast-paced startups, I’ve seen how important de-escalation techniques can be, both for customers and within teams. When tensions run high, whether it’s a frustrated customer or a heated internal debate, how you handle that moment can make or break the situation.
What I’ve learned is that de-escalation isn’t just about cooling tempers. It’s about protecting trust, preserving relationships, and ensuring the success of the business.
Being able to stay calm, actively listen, and quickly find common ground has been my go-to approach. This isn’t just a skill for managers. It’s essential for anyone who wants to build strong, lasting relationships in any business setting. And nowhere is this more important than in customer service, where emotions can run high, and how we respond matters just as much as the words we use.
Let’s dive into why de-escalation is a critical part of customer service and the techniques that make it work.
Table of Contents
- What Are De-Escalation Techniques?
- 13 De-Escalation Techniques to Get Started Today
- Why De-Escalation Matters in Customer Service
- How to Diffuse Tension: 6 Effective De-Escalation Techniques + Why They Work [New Data]
- My Top Tips for Verbal De-Escalation + Bonus Tip
- Body Language Tips: A Silent Force in De-Escalation
- The Benefits of De-Escalation in Business [+ Case Study]
- My Key Takeaways
What Are De-Escalation Techniques?
De-escalation is a process by which you calm the situation before it gets worse. This can be done through a variety of techniques involving breathing, active listening, asking questions, being compassionate, and the use of body language.
I think de-escalation techniques are incredibly valuable tools, both in professional settings and in everyday life. I see de-escalation as a way to navigate challenging situations with empathy and understanding.
In the upcoming sections, I’m excited to delve deeper into the core principles of de-escalation and explore how it can be applied in various contexts, from resolving interpersonal conflicts to managing challenging customer interactions.
We’ll uncover the role of empathy, active listening, and non-verbal communication in transforming potentially volatile situations into opportunities for understanding and growth.
Why De-Escalation Matters in Customer Service
Here’s an example of why de-escalation matters from HubSpotter Caroline Forsey:
Recently, I had an upsetting experience with an airline after dealing with a flight cancellation. I wanted a refund, so I waited three hours to speak with a member of their service team, only to hear: “I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's nothing I can do for you.”
Now, I‘m not blaming this airline or this service rep. But one thing I learned throughout the encounter was how much empathy mattered to me. I didn’t necessarily need the rep to give me exactly what I wanted: I just needed to feel heard and understood.
And, apparently, so does everyone else.
In a recent survey we conducted with 100 consumers across the U.S., “listening carefully, understanding the problem, and demonstrating empathy” was the most popular response to this question:
“Think of a time when you were upset at a company and customer service helped you have a positive outcome. What did they do to make the experience positive?”
Listening and demonstrating empathy even exceeded “they offered me a refund, upgrade, or promo code.” In other words – people care more about a service rep's behaviors than they do a rep's actions.
All of which is to say – how your reps behave when a customer is upset could make or break that customer‘s loyalty. So it’s a critical component of long-term customer retention.
Let's dive into six of the most effective de-escalation techniques next.
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How to Diffuse Tension: 6 Effective De-Escalation Techniques + Why They Work [New Data]
1. Practice active listening and demonstrate empathy.
Data: 46% of respondents in our survey rated active listening and empathy as the most important de-escalation technique practiced.
Benefits:
- Prevents misunderstandings.
- Helps customers feel heard and valued.
- Builds trust and rapport.
Active listening involves genuinely engaging with the customer, allowing them to express their frustrations without interruption.
As HubSpot’s Principal Consultant Bradlee McKibben states, “My goal is to dig deeper into what the actual root problem is, as sometimes frustrations can be misaligned. Everyone encounters roadblocks and challenges; customers simply want to know we understand the why and are here to help."
This approach not only helps identify the core issue but also shows customers that you value their perspective. By putting yourself in their shoes, you can help to de-escalate the situation.
2. Offer refunds, upgrades, or promos to make up for an issue.
Data: Roughly one-third of respondents indicated that financial compensation positively impacted their service experience.
Strategy: If a customer feels like they’ve lost money or value, offering a refund, upgrade, or promotion can significantly alleviate frustration.
While offering anything for “free” to a customer can feel painful, you'll want to keep in mind that acquiring a new customer is much more expensive than retaining an existing one.
In the situation with the airline, I felt much better about purchasing another ticket from them once a service rep offered me a refund on my canceled flight.
It proved they valued my future business more than their bottom line and increased my trust.
Of course, you‘ll want to abide by your company’s policies whenever possible. Speak to your manager to understand what you can offer an unhappy customer if you cannot resolve their issue. If a refund is not an option, consider offering a promotion or discount on a future purchase.
3. Avoid saying no.
Instead of using negative phrases like I can’t or It’s not possible, focus on how you will work to resolve the issue.
- Instead of: “I can’t do that.” Try: “Let’s see what options we have.”
- Instead of: “That’s not allowed.” Try: “I understand your request, and I’ll do my best to find a solution.”
- Instead of: “It’s not possible.” Try: “I’ll investigate this further and get back to you with an update.”
By framing your responses in a positive and solution-oriented manner, you can help to de-escalate tense situations and built trust with your customers.
As McKibben states, “Sometimes I encounter escalation situations that are outside my role's scope. I make sure to clearly explain to the customer how my expertise isn't best suited to solve the problem but that I will take the following steps: loop in the correct point of contact, file a roadblock with our product team, and/or follow up with the support rep who is handling the ticket.”
She adds, “I make sure my follow-up is timely, actionable, and detailed so that the customer knows I'm keeping track of the issue. Lastly, I will provide helpful resources or ways other customers have tackled similar issues, if applicable.”
By focusing on solutions and avoiding negative language, you can demonstrate your commitment to customer satisfaction and build trust.
4. Be honest and manage expectations.
According to HubSpot’s Principal Customer Success Manager, Jen Berenguer, honesty is a powerful de-escalation tool. She emphasizes that transparency is key in setting realistic expectations with customers.
Berenguer explains, “When I’m honest with how much I care about a customer’s problem, the steps I’m taking to help, and, more importantly, what I won’t be able to do, it helps them understand the complexity of the matter and how feasible it is to get to their desired outcome.”
This approach has consistently led to stronger relationships with customers.
Why honesty matters:
- Avoiding False Promises. Over-promising might ease tension short-term, but will potentially damage trust long-term.
- Building Trust. Customers appreciate transparency, even if the news isn’t ideal. It reinforces commitment to solving the issue.
Pro tip: When you’re uncertain about something, instead of saying, “We can fix this,” say: “I’ll do everything I can to find a solution.”
Customers recognize honesty and respect a realistic approach over empty promises. Berenguer goes on to say, “Most of the time, honesty leads to a stronger relationship with my clients, even when we have a problem that can't be solved.”
She mentions that honesty is her number one de-escalation technique when managing client expectations.
5. Stay calm under pressure.
It’s easy to mirror the frustrations of an angry customer, but doing so only escalates the situation. Staying calm is the key to resolving issues effectively.
Why Staying Calm Matters: When conflict arises, your body’s natural reaction is the fight-or-flight response. Your heart rate spikes, breathing becomes shallow, and you’re ready to either engage or retreat. These reactions are not productive for customer interactions.
How to Stay Composed: Controlled breathing can benefit a heated situation in multiple ways.
- Calms your nervous system.
- Promotes clear thinking.
- Buys you time.
Personally, as someone with hands-on experience in many sectors of customer service, I’ve experienced how staying calm — especially in high-pressure situations — can diffuse tension and lead to better outcomes. It’s one of the most important skills I’ve continued to hone and pass on to the teams I’ve managed throughout my career.
6. Tell customers you value and appreciate them.
Data: While only 16% of respondents rated this as important for de-escalation, it‘s undoubtedly a nice extra step you can take once you’ve de-escalated a situation.
Timing Matters: Show appreciation after resolving the issue. Telling your customer you value them before solving their problem could seem disingenuous, especially if they're upset.
Once you’ve addressed the customer’s concerns, emphasizing your gratitude for their business and patience can strengthen the relationship. A simple “Thank you for bringing this to our attention” or “We appreciate your understanding” can leave a lasting positive impression.
Implementing these de-escalation techniques can significantly improve customer interactions and enhance satisfaction. By focusing on active listening, offering solutions, maintaining honesty, staying calm, and expressing appreciation, you can transform potentially negative experiences into opportunities for loyalty and growth.
13 De-Escalation Techniques to Get Started Today
- Skip the hold button.
- Remain calm.
- Use active listening.
- Express sympathy.
- Be confident.
- Mirror the complaint.
- Use scripts.
- Simplify complex problems.
- Identify the problem's root cause.
- Set realistic expectations.
- Narrate your actions.
- Make an apology.
- Offer compensation.
So what does de-escalation look like in practice? In this section, I’ll dive into these 13 proven strategies to help you implement them in your business to resolve customer complaints effectively.
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1. Skip the hold button.
If a customer has a problem, don't put them on hold. Customers today expect a higher level of service and may feel devalued if you place them on hold when they complain.
Instead, stay with them, physically or on the line, until you find the person they should speak with or get the resources you need to address their problem.
Skipping the hold button allows you to maintain a human connection with a customer when it matters most and helps set a more positive tone for the rest of your interaction.
Pro tip: If you must put someone on hold, instead of using a traditional hold button, implement a “virtual queuing” system. Research shows that customers are significantly more patient when they know their position in the queue and have an estimated wait time. This approach reduces perceived wait times and increases customer satisfaction, as it empowers them with information and control.
2. Remain calm.
Upset customers will come to you with various emotions, including anger, frustration, disappointment, or sadness.
Your reaction can aggravate them further if you let these emotions impact you personally. Remain calm while interacting with the customer to learn about their complaint and direct them to the correct personnel.
Pro tip: While exuding calmness is important, you don't want to show indifference or a lack of concern. Get engaged with the customer while not escalating the situation with your response.
3. Use active listening.
Customers who want to escalate want to be heard and know that you're listening. By using active listening, you can show them you care and potentially even de-escalate the situation, or at least keep a ceiling on their frustrations.
If you’re speaking in person, show the customer you're actively listening. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact, nodding, and leaving your arms uncrossed can demonstrate your active engagement with the customer.
Also, make sure to recount their main points and ask thoughtful questions to clarify their complaint and probe into potential causes.
Pro tip: Take notes during the interaction, if possible, or after it, and inform the customer so they know their complaint is being recorded.
4. Express sympathy.
Customers with complaints often want validation that their feelings are legitimate.
Even if you don‘t think they are, expressing sympathy can help defuse a customer’s anger and frustration.
Regardless of how the interaction gets resolved, the customer will at least remember your sympathetic response to their problem, which can prevent further issues.
Pro tip: An upset customer may not be entirely rational. Your sympathy can help calm them down and ease their suspicions of you.
5. Be confident.
By speaking confidently with customers, you can assure them that you will handle their complaints.
Your confidence can also pre-empt the customer from experiencing further questions and doubts. You‘ll also be better able to guide the interaction instead of following the customer’s lead.
Pro tip: There's a difference between being confident and cocky. You can manage a customer complaint and regain initiative in the interaction by staying humble yet confident.
6. Mirror the complaint.
Mirroring is an active listening technique that can help you build rapport and demonstrate engagement with a customer. Repeat their complaint without interrupting to show you heard and remember what they have to say.
You'll make the customer feel validated while also seeing the problem from their perspective, which may help you find a solution faster.
Pro tip: Mirroring is especially useful if a customer has a complex problem but shouldn‘t be overdone. Try to mirror the key points of a customer’s complaint to demonstrate your attention to their problem without repeating them word-for-word.
7. Use scripts.
Customer complaints often follow similar patterns.
Scripts can make it easier to address customer complaints without escalating the situation further. They can help to act as a barrier between your immediate emotions and the issue you’re working on.
You can also use scripts to avoid getting stuck on a complaint and move an interaction toward resolution.
Pro tip: Scripts can ground you in a stressful situation, but you don‘t want to sound like you’re reading from one. You might use a script as a reference point rather than something to repeat verbatim to make your response and empathy more natural.
8. Simplify complex problems.
You can de-escalate a customer by breaking their complex problems into simpler ones. Simplifying the problem can make the situation easier and faster to resolve.
You may also discover that the customer's emotions or lack of information made the problem seem more complex than it really was.
Breaking down a complex problem can help you score quick wins for the customer. You can also naturally shift the focus of the conversation from the problem to its resolution.
Pro tip: Active listening is a powerful tool for simplifying complex problems. By fully engaging with the customer and paraphrasing their concerns, you can uncover the root of the issue and clarify misunderstandings.
9. Identify the problem's root cause.
Identifying the root cause of a customer's frustrations can make solving them easier. You can also identify what needs to be changed.
Once the customer has aired their frustrations, ask tactful but pointed questions to get to the bottom of the problem.
Pro tip: Ask the customer about the specific use cases in which they had a problem to determine the source of their complaints.
10. Set realistic expectations.
It's vital to set realistic expectations for customers when trying to de-escalate.
You could be shocked into overpromising when customers share their complaints with you, especially if they're emotional.
However, this can cause more frustration for a customer when you can't deliver on your promises.
Pro tip: Avoid firm commitments on what you can accomplish for a customer. Instead, commit to making your best effort to help them and to reach out to anyone else who can help.
11. Narrate your actions.
Communication is essential for de-escalation. Narrating the actions you're taking to assist customers can help them.
They don‘t want to feel abandoned or ignored. By telling customers what you’re doing to help them, they‘ll know you’re trying to make progress.
Pro tip: Narrating your actions can make the customer more useful to you, as they, too, begin thinking of potential solutions and new ways to help.
12. Make an apology.
A simple apology can go a long way in establishing goodwill during a customer complaint.
No one wants to admit fault, but doing so can make a customer feel appreciated.
By apologizing, you can calm the customer down, making them more receptive to working through their problem with you. At the very least, they could leave with a positive view of your company.
Pro tip: Consider using the LEAPS framework to structure your customer interactions. This research-backed approach ensures a comprehensive and customer-centric approach to resolving complaints.
13. Offer compensation.
As you bring the customer complaint to an end, consider offering compensation.
A coupon, discount, or free offer can show a customer that your company values them, even if you couldn't resolve their problem.
Even if you lose the customer, they'll at least remember your gesture, protecting your reputation.
Compensation is ideal for customer retention and allows you to end on a positive note.
Pro tip: When offering compensation, tailor it to the specific issue and the customer’s value to your business. For instance, if a long-term customer faces a product issue, consider offering them an exclusive discount or free upgrade.
My Top Tips for Verbal De-Escalation + Bonus Tip
Drawing from my extensive experience in customer service — particularly in SaaS and ecommerce sectors — I’ve encountered countless situations where verbal de-escalation was essential to maintaining customer relationships.
Here are my tips based on real-world experiences that can help diffuse heated conversations and turn potentially negative interactions into opportunities for customer loyalty.
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1. I start with “I understand” statements to validate emotions.
One of the first steps in de-escalating a tense conversation is acknowledging the customer’s frustration. I’ve found that a small acknowledgment statement helps to lower the emotional defenses. Customers want to feel heard, and starting with “I” gives it a personal touch, signaling that they’re dealing with someone who genuinely cares about their experience.
In fact, a recent 2024 study by Forrester found that only 3% of companies are categorized as customer-obsessed. By acknowledging the customer’s frustration with a simple phrase like “I understand how frustrating this must be for you,” you can immediately show empathy, validate their feelings, and differentiate your business from the majority.
2. I take responsibility when necessary but avoid over-promising.
It’s important to balance empathy with honesty. In situations where I couldn’t fix an issue immediately, I would say, “I’m going to do everything in my power to help resolve this.”
This sets clear expectations without committing to outcomes that might be out of my control. I’ve learned that over-promising just to calm someone down leads to more frustration later. Staying realistic builds trust, even if the solution isn’t immediate.
Trust builds loyalty, and according to a 2022 report by Sinch, a CPaaS provider, 87% of customers actively avoid buying from brands they don’t trust.
By balancing empathy and honesty, you can build trust and manage expectations effectively.
3. I keep my tone calm and measured.
Early in my career, I noticed how easy it was to let a customer’s intensity influence my own tone. Matching their frustration never helped. Instead, I’ve learned to control my voice, keeping it calm and steady, which has a calming effect on the situation.
One technique I’ve found particularly effective is pausing for a few seconds before responding. This gives me time to collect my thoughts and avoid reacting impulsively. You can also practice slightly lowering your pitch, which may seem minor, but helps to convey a calm authority and reassures the customer that things are under control.
4. I ask open-ended questions to diffuse customer anger.
When a customer is angry, they often need a chance to vent. I make it a point to ask, “Can you walk me through what happened?” or “How can I make this right for you?” These questions shift the focus from confrontation to problem-solving, which is an approach rooted in active listening and empathy.
Here’s how it can benefit you:
- Creating space for expression.
- Shifting from emotion to problem-solving.
- Regaining control of the conversation.
- Building rapport.
- Uncovering root causes.
- Maintaining emotional regularity.
Implementing a strategic approach to your communication can be a powerful technique for diffusing anger, gathering information, and working collaboratively towards solutions. You can transform potentially negative interactions into opportunities for building stronger customer relationships.
5. I follow up quickly — and ensure follow-through.
An important part of verbal de-escalation is showing the customer that the conversation wasn’t just a way to placate them in the moment. I always make sure to follow up with a personal message or update, even if no resolution has been reached yet.
A simple email saying, “I wanted to let you know I’m still working on your issue and will update you as soon as I have more information,” is often times enough to maintain a positive relationship.
Trust is built when customers see that you’re committed to their case. By following through, you demonstrate that commitment.
Bonus: I use humor cautiously to break the tension.
While humor can be a useful tool in de-escalation, it’s something to apply with care. In my experience, humor works best after rapport has been built and only in situations where the customer shows signs of relaxing.
For example, if a delivery was delayed, I might say something like, “Looks like your package decided to take the scenic route!” This can break the ice when delivered with the right tone, but it’s crucial to be mindful of the customer’s mood and the situation. Misusing humor can backfire if not used appropriately, so be cautious.
Body Language Tips: A Silent Force in De-Escalation
Now that we’ve reviewed the best tips for verbal de-escalation, it’s important to look into its counterpart: body language. Mastering body language is essential for de-escalation, especially in high-pressure situations.
Early in my career working in retail banking, I encountered countless customers who were stressed or upset about their finances. I quickly learned that how you position yourself and communicate non-verbally can be just as impactful as the words you use.
A calm, open posture and steady eye contact can help diffuse tension, putting customers at ease and fostering a more positive interaction. In sensitive settings, non-verbal cues are very important to managing difficult situations.
Here are some tips that helped me during my time at the bank.
1. Maintain an open posture.
Keep your arms uncrossed and your hands visible. This openness signals that you are approachable and willing to engage.
2. Respect their personal space.
Stand at a comfortable distance to avoid overwhelming the customer. Invading personal space can lead to feelings of discomfort and defensiveness.
3. Use calm, controlled movements.
Sudden or jerky movements can come across as threatening or anxious. Instead, slow and deliberate gestures show you’re in control of the situation and exude calmness, helping to diffuse any tension.
4. Nod and tilt your head.
These small gestures demonstrate active listening and convery genuine engagement. When the customer feels heard, it creates a sense of validation and reduces frustration.
5. Maintain a neutral, empathetic expression.
Facial expressions can say a lot, and a neutral but soft facial expression prevents misunderstandings that might arise from appearing too stern or indifferent. It’s helpful to show subtle warmth without overdoing it, as this conveys empathy while maintaining professionalism.
6. Avoid distracting behaviors.
Refrain from checking your watch or phone during the conversation. These actions can be perceived as impatience or disinterest, which could escalate the customer’s frustration. It’s important not to undermine the rapport you’re trying to build.
Mastering these body language techniques doesn’t just help with de-escalating tough situations — it also actively builds trust with your customers while directly impacting their satisfaction and loyalty. With the right non-verbal skills in place, you’ll see a noticeable difference in how effectively your team de-escalates situations and strengthens customer relationships.
The Benefits of De-Escalation in Business [+ Case Study]
Learning de-escalation techniques, and the training that comes with it, is not just a theoretical concept. It’s making a real difference in workplaces across the country.
Case Study: St. Anthony Foundation
St. Anthony Foundation in San Francisco has witnessed significant success with its mandatory de-escalation training for community safety services staff.
In a recent article, they talked about how the training (provided by the Crisis Prevention Institute) focused on non-threatening de-escalation techniques to handle conflicts and provide community support.
One of the foundation’s representatives is quoted saying, “De-escalation training has been invaluable in creating a safer and more supportive environment for our staff and clients. It’s a testament to the power of effective communication and empathy.”
Key Benefits of De-Escalation
- Enhanced customer satisfaction. Effective de-escalation techniques can help resolve conflicts peacefully, reduce customer frustration, and increase loyalty.
- Improved employee morale. A positive work environment, free from excessive conflict and tension, can boost employee morale and job satisfaction.
- Enhanced productivity. When employees can work together harmoniously, they are more efficient and productive, leading to increased output.
- Reduced turnover. A positive work culture can help retain top talent, reduce costs, and maintain expertise.
- Strengthened company reputation. A reputation for excellent customer service can differentiate your business and attract new customers.
By incorporating de-escalation techniques in your business practices, you can create a more positive and productive work environment, improve customer satisfaction, and drive overall business success.
My Key Takeaways
As I’ve navigated my career and honed my skills in the business landscape, I’ve come to appreciate the power of de-escalation techniques.
By working on this article and through my firsthand experiences, I’ve gained valuable insights into the art of effective communication and conflict resolution.
Here are some of my takeaways:
- The importance of active listening and empathy. Truly understanding the other person’s perspective and validating their feelings is important for de-escalating tense situations.
- Power of positive language. Avoiding negative language and focusing on solutions can dramatically improve outcomes.
- Value of managing expectations. Setting realistic expectations and being transparent about limitations helps build trust and avoid misunderstandings.
- Impact of building trust. Honesty and empathy are fundamental to fostering strong relationships and creating a positive environment.
I encourage you to explore these de-escalation techniques and incorporate them not only in your own business, but also your personal life. By mastering these skills, you can learn to transform challenging situations into opportunities that drive positive outcomes.
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Editor's note: This post was originally published in July 2021 and has been updated for comprehensiveness.
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